Why I Defend Cincinnati Zoo's Decision

I'm thoroughly fed up with the bigoted judgements floating around on this topic. I tried not to say anything, but I'm too worked up because this subject hits me in a personal way - I am currently pregnant with my first child, and there was a terrible accident in my family before I was born, that almost declared my parents unfit. So allow me to elaborate on the two most popular arguments.

1) Gorilla or child? 

I'm under no delusion about human innocence, nor even the innocence of a child. Children are not innocent - they are naïve. The child who crawled and fell into that pen was a naïve child, not an innocent one. The gorilla, like all animals, was innocent and behaved according to the way any gorilla might while being screamed at from all sides. I feel bad for Harambe. He didn't deserve death.

However, this is the very reason we cannot stand by to leave the child to fend for itself in mortal peril. Children are born helpless, trusting and as I said, naïve. In foster children, especially those who frequently return home to give fallen parents a twelfth try at being their guardian, trust is a difficult thing to earn. Foster children often suffer poorer grades when at these homes. The lack of structure due to being tossed between their biological parents and their foster parents is devastating to a sense of stability, and in destabilizing the environment for these kids, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to become healthy and productive members of society, and especially of a household. Chain reactions of bad treatment are passed down generation to generation in some cases, all because they were broken as children. Often, rather than being shown mercy, these kids are harshly judged.

What does that have to do with Harambe and the three year old? Trust. The moment we stop defending human life is the moment we become incapable of trust, toward so-called security, toward each other as humans, toward God if you had any to start with, and even toward nature. Ask yourself what it would do to you to watch a three year old ripped to pieces or smashed by a wild animal. Would your sense of trust and security be shaken? You bet, and deeply too. Now you want to know why that's a bad thing: fear is what replaces trust. If you really need to know why fear is so bad for you then read any history book ever and notice how your evil dictators get everyone to follow them into despicable actions. Most of the worst atrocities in history start with fear, and the evidence is not hard to find, so maybe before we jump to the conclusion that the gorilla should have lived because of human faults, we ought to also consider the kind of mental meyhem that would have caused, and the reason why we do form societies and protect other humans, especially our moldable children.

In making the decision about shooting the gorilla, I don't give a crap if the parents were negligent. That is completely irrelevant in the matter of whether or not to save the child's life.

2) Were the parents even negligent?

I have a personal story to share here. Approximately one year before I was born, my mom was preparing the bath for my older brother. Briefly, she had to turn away and in an instant, my brother, 10 months old at the time, had turned on the water. He had turned it all the way up. I think my aunt owned the house they were in, or something, because she was responsible for the fact that the water heater was also turned all the way up (not sure if she did this, or a previous occupant - she may not have known). My brother was severely burned because my mom turned away for twelve seconds.

Since this incident, my brother received more than fifty surgeries - my mom lost count after that - and still has scar tissue covering a large percentage of his skin. His right hand was not circulating blood after the burn, and so the figers were amputated. Although an attempt to place new fingers there was tried, he still can't do a whole lot with that hand.

Shortly after this nightmare, my mom also withstood several trials, culminating in her being the only individual capable of making decisions in my family. First was of course my brother and his surgeries. Then she became pregnant with me but found out she had a gallbladder problem that required surgery. Then my father was diagnosed with brain cancer. And then I was born and had a bunch of ear infections. And then of course, there was the fact that despite being cleared in one state and by the Air Force, the state of Arkansas where we lived at the time, tried to take custody of my brother away. 

I didn't learn about this fact until after I was married myself, but it gave me pause. I had always looked up to all of my family members for how they endured everything thrown at them, and had wondered how my mom dealt with my brother being burned on an emotional level. Honestly, she didn't even have another child to be distracting like the mother in the Harambe incident and my brother still got burned. One time I did have someone try to claim she was a bad parent and I berated them for assuming they knew everything, because I can't imagine life without my brother or my mom. I probably overreacted to that person but no one had ever said that about her and they couldn't be more wrong in my eyes. Sure, I argue with my mom, and we don't always see eye-to-eye, bt she was a great parent. Both my brother and I grew up knowing we were loved and secure. He is even thinking about working in the burn unit as a nurse, where he would no doubt connect with many of the patients there in a positive way. In fact, my brother and my mom have an even closer bond than I do with either of them. Instead, I bonded most with my father, whose strong influence has made me into a gentler, and more confident human being. Furthermore, seeing the strength of his relationship to my mother has wizened me to understand what love truly looks like. Frankly, what they have taught me would be far too much to list here, but to stay on topic, they especially taught me the lesson of Job.

No human being is innocent or perfect. Everything we have is a gift, though we do at times misuse our gifts. Primarily though, strife falls upon everyone equally. Just because you worked hard doesn't mean you will get what you worked for, even if it increased your chances. Just because a kid stole your bike doesn't mean you will get justice. Just because you never take your eye off your child and have surgically removed any need to blink doesn't mean they won't come to trouble. The fact is, you can't be perfect, parents can't be perfect, the world isn't fair, and you never know what can be born from the ashes of a bad situation if only you have the endurance and wisdom to recognize it.

Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Furthermore, Jesus has quite a bit to say about pride against your fellow human being, that really transforms into common sense: 

Luke 6:37-38 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” 

Matthew 18:21-34 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded. “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed."

Don't leap so quickly to judgments. Your heart is no less corrupt than another's, and and you will be judged by your own words when the time comes for you to make a devastating, regrettable mistake.

I Promise I Really Am an INTP: Adventures with Borderline Personality Disorder

So... I was reviewing my recent posts on here, and I found myself very embarrassed at all the feels. Sometimes I forget that people actually see my blog now. I'll leave most of it up because I didn't fully read them and determine it was time to delete them. The fact is, if I didn't say it in 8 places already, I broke off a relationship with this girl who very likely had borderline personality disorder, and she had made me sick. She didn't mean to, of course, but it happened nonetheless and so I still felt rather odd for about 9 months after I closed communication. And for the benefit of skimmers who skipped this paragraph and are going "OMG AN INTP WITH BORDERLINE WHAT'S THAT LIKE?":

I am not the one with borderline

But the person with borderline is in fact an INTP anyway.

Anyway, it's actually a really long story, and I have no evidence that anyone is even interested in hearing, so let me tell you anyway because I'm obnoxious.

I have an obsession with my stories. I want to write them down only because I am obsessed with them. The characters, the settings, the tales themselves. All of it. Basically if no one is going to be talking to me, then I turn to a story-universe. When my best friend decided she had grown out of toys, I started making up stories in my head instead, consciously deciding that I would NOT become one of those mundane adults who does not have an imagination. This was probably unnecessary, but that's okay because I have some incredible stories up my sleeve, if only I'd finish writing them down. Growing up after toys were below my age group, I would pretend I was a character. I was a character being driven somewhere. I was a character exploring something. I was a character doing homework, or if I was in class, my eyes would glaze over as I pretended this classroom was full of my character's classmates and they were doing whatever it was they did in class. They did not replace my friends. They were me, and I was them. When I was talking to my friends, I was me. When I  was not, I was my character, doing whatever my character would do, which was not usually what I would do, because my character was probably socially inept so that they could express the inner thoughts that I would never say out loud.

The weird part begins: That may seem like an unimportant detail, but it is not. When I started to reveal this very secret inner world to a friend of mine who admitted she had "characters", I was very excited that she was quite similar to me. She was less focused on the plot aspect, but she did have characters and something of a setting. However, I didn't suspect any of the following psychological items to be of major importance at the time:

• Borderling Personality Disorder - I had heard of it, but the idea of it didn't even cross my mind
• ADHD - I don't get much into this, but ADHD was the root of a lot of my anxiety previous to this incident, and the anxiety is largely what caused me to retreat so heavily into this relationship in the first place
• HSP - another cause of some anxiety, but mainly sensitivity, because that's what it is.
• MBTI - I thought I was an INFJ, actually. Anyway, I had fun with this stuff before, but then it got kind of crazy when I started really learning how MBTI actually works. Then it was a fun puzzle and I obsessed over it. But initially I was just passively labeled as an INFJ, or in some scenarios an INFP. Neither of those is correct, obviously. But the main point is that I obsessed, and I obsessed to the point of it interfering with storying because I had a hard time not automatically labeling characters and then having them follow the formula that MBTI laid out for them. That is not the intended purpose of MBTI, and real people may have specific wirings that appear to group into the 16 personality types, but real people do not fit the stereotypes, because real people do different things for different reasons. I myself am proof of that. My characters lost their creative origins, basically.

The unfortunate thing was that she totes did have borderline personality disorder (well, probably) and we fought all the time. We mostly fought because she didn't think I was being sensitive enough in some arbitrary way that no normal human cares about on a deep level, and she had really bad inferior Fe (fellow INTP). Initially, she didn't like it when my broody character out-brooded her broody character, because mine was mean to hers and extra bitter in general. That and I'm awesome at character conversations (or I was, anyway). Then she was mad because I wasn't as into her characters as she was into mine, which I didn't get at all, because I didn't really get why she was so into mine in the first place. I mean, I was somewhat flattered as well as thankful toward the Most High because I honestly think they're a gift, and I did think they were quite worthy stories, it's just... these are my stories. So of course I love them.

Detour about fanning: When I fangirl, it's because I can see someone else has created a story that is at least as good as mine, and maybe even better, but that story is not my story. At most I want to purchase an Alaskan Willow "wand" from a local heritage festival for Harry Potter cosplay (but I'll be my own character, thanks), and perhaps a set of Ravenclaw robes. Another thing I want to do is dress my American Girl dolls up in homemade water tribe, earth kingdom, fire nation and air nomad costumes from the Nickelodeon cartoon, "Avatar: The Last Airbender". I also like a lot of Tolkein stuff. Frankly, though, characters are of 45% importance, and plot is another 45%. A unique and interesting setting is the last 10%. She was missing 45% of what makes a universe interesting to me. And just to make mention of it, yes, I fangirl about music that inspires story stuff and I don't like it if it doesn't fit with my story. Sorry country music, sorry secular pop, and sorry secular rap. You offer nothing to me.

Unfortunately, she also happened to like my ex-villain character and so her villain character (by far the most interesting personality at first) struck up a relationship during our second and only successful RP (role play). There was no way this relationship was going to go well because my character at this point was an eccentric, but whole-hearted Christian, and BPD was determined that hers would never be, which is fine but it kind of ruins either my character or the relationship. If I could have had my character kick hers out and they could have had a battle of sorts, that probably would have ended in her character getting shot or stabbed in self defense, I probably would have gone that route, but I don't think she would have liked it so I just let my character deteriorate.

Meanwhile, I too, was deteriorating. I'd quit attending church because I was staying up too late on Saturday nights to RP, plus I didn't really feel like going anymore. During a fight I even looked for another RP friend because I thought the whole thing was over, but apparently BPD has a hard time letting go, so she came back and apologized. Moreover, I noticed myself becoming very, very sensitive. By this I don't mean emotionally - I was actually losing passion - what I mean is physically. I couldn't stand having a lot of light or sound in my vicinity. I mostly listened to folk because other music had begun to seem offensive to my delicate ears. I also didn't like leaving the house for much of anything. I had a lot of hilariously stupid nightmares about dinosaurs and aliens, but the fear would linger for an hour or so after I had fully woken up and checked out the windows to be sure the apocalypse hadn't come and gone during my nap. For comparison, recently I had a dream that a strange leviathan-ish creature and a bunch of demons spilling out of it's mouth were attacking long island, and that terror evaporated immediately upon waking, and in fact, slightly before, because there's no reason for me to be afraid of demons when I am trusting a higher entity.

My other friends stopped asking me to hang out very often, and when we did, I had nothing to say to them anymore. At first, it didn't seem too off - my head was on stories and they didn't know my stories - but then I realized all of my relationships were dying. Normally, people start trying to talk to me when they notice me drifting into Meredith-land, especially family members, but somehow, that just didn't happen this time. It was like there was something about me that just gave off this closed-vibe so people kind of shut me out of their minds subconsciously, as I was shutting them out. I also slowly became kind of mean, but it took a long time for me to realize it. To me, the worst thing was that I was also incapable of storying. RP felt empty after that one attempt, and I couldn't get into it for very long, or if I did, BPD didn't like it and we would stop. She took up so much of my conscious brain-space, too, that I didn't story the way I used to. I couldn't step into the head of any character I was not RPing, and even then, it was hard, because from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep I was doing something in real life or responding to her, so where was there time to work in my own headspace?

Detour about MBTI: Around this time, I also discovered I had incorrectly taken on the INFJ label. I take stories like puzzle pieces that I have to put together, just bits and pieces of things I like, and it is usually in order to answer a question I am curious about:
e.g. "What makes us human?" - every sci fi novel ever
and "Why is it wrong to ________, or is it wrong at all?"
I briefly considered the possibility of INFP, but the dominant function for an FP is introverted feeling, as in, a sort of moral code that is internalized. They seem to always have words for how they feel and are not confused about it at any point, unless maybe they're mentally sick. They know where they stand on most issues and they usually get the phrase, "Follow your heart," because they do that every day. They keep their feels to themselves until the words are forced out.

(More Detour about MBTI): I, on the other hand, see myself as fluffy, chatty and friendly on the outside (Ne-Fe) but calculated, emotionally resilient, and even a bit cold on the inside (Ti-Si).  There's no evidence for being a feeler at all, Fi or Fe. I get over stuff fast, only settle a moral when I know why it should be a moral, view society as a part of a machine that doesn't work but can at least be improved, and 90% of the time if you asked me to describe how I felt, I wouldn't really know what you meant, but I would certainly give you my opinion on the situation. "How do you feel about..." to me is the same as "What is your opinion on...."

(More Detour about MBTI): "Follow your heart" is the biggest piece of crap statement that has ever reached my ears. I follow my logic, or my impulses, or get paralyzed by indecisiveness because I am stuck between the two. "Follow your heart to reach your dreams" means about as much to me as saying, "Follow your chair to reach your kitchen". Further proof against anything feels, I struggle with intellectual vanity, not moral superiority; and more often than not, I feel a little sick when I read stuff that is supposed to be inspirational, even if I think it's true. I have experimented with sharing such phrases on facebook during my dead time after the BPD incident, but not a good idea. It's too corny for me. And for the sake of all that is good, don't ever read an emotional diatribe written by me. It will be the corniest, most cliché thing you've ever laid eyes on. I also suck at poetry. None of that is dominant introverted feeling. It is rather, introverted thinking and inferior extroverted feeling.

Back on topic: It was the January after BPD and I started RPing, so almost 9 months later, and I was realizing that this wasn't going to end on it's own, so I needed to do it, but by then my brain had turned to mush and I couldn't figure out how best to close things down. Especially because BPD knew a bit too much about me. I noticed myself sink a little further at the thought. While I was thinking of this between January and March, nothing much happened aside from getting berated about being dead inside. But in March, BPD had a little adventure that removed her from my life. I was hoping it was semi-permanent, because she would be living out of state from now on. Sadly, I was still too wimpy and out-of-it to just tell her that, plus I was getting an occasional email about her not doing so well. I didn't have much to say to her, because I was doing great and it seemed kind of cruel to be like, "Oh so you're going through this crappy time... that sucks... well I don't want to be your friend anymore." So I said nothing. She sensed it though.

Still, I really was doing great in her absence. I had quit going to church the previous year on Easter of 2014. I went back a few times between then and Easter 2015, but I'd felt no motivation to attend the whole time. But when I came back in 2015, while BPD was gone, I was ready to attend regularly again. Never mind that at this very moment, it's been almost 6 weeks since I have been to church. I still want to go. In short, I was getting better all around and I decided if things didn't work out for her to move out of state (and even if they did) I wasn't putting up with the crap anymore.

We had a fight the day she contacted me in April. I felt light and free for about two days. Then she apologized profusely and I felt guilty not giving her another chance. Little did I know, that I was incapable of giving her another chance. As soon as I felt the burden of our friendship return, it came with all the physical sensitivity, emptiness, and raise that a lack of words. To talk, after all, you need to have thoughts, but if I spent too much time thinking in the sensitive emptiness, I'd literally lose my mind. And because thinking is second-nature to me, I did lose my mind.

A month or two later in June, I had a complete meltdown because my brain was incapable of playing a story to put me to sleep and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I originally started doing stories with myself because I do think too much when I'm trying to fall asleep, so pretending I was someone else while I slept helped occupy my brain while it drifted away. Without the ability to sleep or think, I wanted to kill myself, or at least cut to see if it actually worked, but I did not because:
A) My husband would probably have stopped me/would have found out if I cut and then I'd be embarrassed most likely (it's not like it actually helps the situation)
B) I'm not really sure. I just got up and interrupted my husband's nap instead of going for the knives. I'll call that God.

By that evening, I was too terrified to die anyway (though I was too terrified to live as well) and I felt awful until my husband and parents had prayed over me and we'd played a game of Apples to Apples. By the end of that, I was knocked out by migraine medication and a lack of sleep.

Automatically, my emotional hemisphere separated itself from the rest of me. It was still there and I still reacted to things, but for some reason I wasn't processing it. It's a very difficult concept to describe, but disassociation is the psychological term for it. I was still me, but I was inaccessible. If my brain was a city, I was still in it's airspace, but looking down from someplace very high, or perhaps looking up from someplace very low, rather than being involved in it. Buildings were blowing up and I reacted, but it still wasn't me. I lost touch with all motivations and interests and obsessions, which was probably partly the medication I was on, and also just the way I was handling the emotional problems I'd run into. I talked to a pastor, visited my grandmother's every Tuesday to do a craft and chat, my mom's every Friday, and the library all of the other days.

Slowly, my relationships began to improve, but I still couldn't write very well. If I only focused on the light parts of the story, I was bored, and if I only focused on the heavy parts, I would take an emotional nosedive because what my characters would go through, especially the ones I felt most connected to at the moment, was disassociation. And that was too similar to my own issues. So my writing was very empty, or else it made me depressed. It was also rather elementary in form, as though I had forgotten how.

In the middle of that summer, I went on a float trip with some family and friends. It was a fun adventure, considering the river was flooded and if you tipped you'd be out of the canoe for quite a while. At one point, my husband and I ran into some branches and tipped, knocking a gray wolf spider the size of my hand onto our cooler. It rode with us until we managed to right our canoe. Yes, I was panicking. Anyway, while I was sitting in the warm sun after the tipping spider incident incident, I realized I always felt so much better when Ms BPD was far away, so the day I got back, I sent her an apologetic email that was probably as cold and distant as I felt from myself, stating that I would be breaking off contact from her. When she responded furiously, I replied in my dissociative manner yet again and left it at that. She was incapable of understanding what my problem was, and I was incapable of explaining it any further because I didn't fully understand it myself, and still don't.

She sent me texts, emails, voicemails and letters for a while, and every time she stopped by, I would feel low and empty for a couple weeks. It was very creepy, and it gave me an impression that something more deeply spiritual was occurring than I had realized. I knew that Evil Sunday definitely had a combo of chemical and spiritual origins, so it didn't seem out of place that perhaps the spiritual issues resided with BPD herself. Later I also confirmed that in all likelihood, she had the disorder. She left a 5 page typed letter bribing me with a $100 bill, openly admitting that it was bribery so as not to insult my intelligence I guess, and then apologizing to me, complaining about me, telling me she cared about me like a sister, but that she can't stop shipping a character of mine with a character of hers, and that she wasn't sure if she could get over this yet she'd "accept [me] back". It conflicted itself several times. I showed it to a psychologist and Borderline was their assessment. It was actually BPD's assessment too, but it didn't really matter to me if she got help at that point. As a mere shell of my former self, I was already incapable of encouraging the relationship further.

So that's what happened and why I was all weird and feely. I started improving around November when all the medication was out of my system. In January I tried a 90% paleo diet and discovered why I'd had such a painful pot belly for so many years (probably gluten, or maybe just grains in general). In February our tax return gave us a bunch of money so I started planning a vacation for May, and in March I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. By April, we were looking at houses to move into, and my preggo hormones kicked in and put me in a great mood, so now I feel normal. By May I had decided that God is my playmate and purpose in the endeavor of writing, and the stories are just little crumbs without him, so it's okay to be excited about them, as long as I'm excited because they are revealing something about him.

Sentimentality- INTP Style

I throw away almost every single card I get, and I do not write thank you notes. The only cards I keep, actually, are the ones that make me laugh, or if they can double as something else worth keeping around the house. So, no. I would not call myself especially sentimental.

Yet, I can't delete the contacts of most old friends that I never talk to anymore.

MBTI Function Theory For Beginners: It's Not About Your Personality

The benefits and limitations of typing are this: it may assist you to understand what kinds of information you and different people may have perceived, and what you and they may use that information to accomplish. This can be useful. For example, wording things nicely matters more to someone who uses Fe, while being straightforward is best with someone who uses Te; an Ne user may talk for a long time if you get them on a certain subject, but an Se user will get distracted quickly; an Fi user will behave morally for moral's sake while a Ti user will behave morally because it doesn't make sense not to; if presenting a project to one's boss, an Si using boss will want data on what has worked in the past, while an Ni user will just want proof that your project will work in the future. You can't always predict how people will react, but you can be a little more prepared.

Because of the way it works, I prefer to consider MBTI a psychological theory, rather than a personality theory. A lot of things go into your personality, including what you ate for breakfast, but MBTI is about a heierarchy of awarenesses and ways to make decisions which is a bit more specific than personality.

First of all, MBTI isn't just four letters. It's eight functions. The functions each signify a different kind of awareness or decision making process. There are six different kinds of functions, which you may know as the first three letters on any given type. They are as follows:

E (extroversion) - external awareness (takes information/tools from current surroundings)
I (introversion) - internal awareness (consistently builds upon stored information/tools from the past)
S (sensing) - physical/factual awareness (real/concrete information)
N (intuition) - abstract/theoretical awareness (possible/theoretical information)
F (feeling) - emotional awareness and decision making
T (thinking) - logical awareness and decision making


I have written my most succinct descriptions yet of the functions themselves. I also explain what they might look like, though that is more for convenience and clarity and does not apply to everyone who uses the function.

Se: An external physical/factual awareness. Se notices and identifies the bare reality of it's surroundings separate from any abstract interpretation or possibilities. It is only what is. 

May be characterized by a realistic perspective of one's situation, impulsive actions caused by not thinking ahead, or a high level of physical aptitude.

Si: An internal physical/factual awareness. Si notices and identifies the bare reality of it's own being, separate from any abstract interpretation or possibilities. It is what it is according to the internalized facts which it is continually building upon. 

May be characterized by an adherence to longstanding personal tradition, practicality based on known facts, or an awareness of how one's body is working.

Ne: An external abstract/theoretical awareness. Ne notices and identifies the possibilities presented by it's surroundings which may not yet be reality or presented as facts. 

May be characterized by unique theories and concepts, requiring of external mental stimulation, thinking out loud, a deep understanding of complex theories such as language, and distractedness.

Ni: An internal abstract/theoretical awareness. Ni notices and identifies theoretical concepts based upon information already internalized and builds upon it's theories continually as more facts are presented to it to work with. 

May be characterized by in-depth understandings of complex theories and concepts, an ability to see probabilities far in advance (strategic capability), and by processing unconcluded concepts quietly in one's head rather than out loud.

Fe: An external emotional awareness and decision making process. Fe recognizes and utilizes the emotional situation/atmosphere in those around it. 

May be characterized by an easy ability to empathize with others and provide their needs accurately, relief when expressing emotions, emotional manipulation, or an interest in keeping up appearances.

Fi: An internal emotional awareness and decision making process. Fi recognizes and utilizes it's own emotional situation/aura. 

May be characterized by a desire to match outward action to inner convictions, difficulty in changing one's mind about emotional opinions, or application of one's own emotional response to relate to another.

Te: An external logical awareness and decision making process. Te recognizes and utilizes the systems and patterns surrounding it. 

May be characterized by direct language, a quickly perceived understanding of how systems and patterns function to create results, goal-orientation, managerial sense, business sense, financial sense, uninhibited free-flow of opinions, or harsh words.

Ti: An internal logical awareness and decision making process. Ti recognizes and utilizes it's own collection of systems and patterns. 

May be characterized by complex problem-solving, puzzle aptitude, solves problems on own without asking for help, unbiased observation, or difficulty in accepting advice that does not compliment one's idea of logic.


MBTI recognizes sixteen different personality types, each of which arranges those functions in a specific order. This order always puts two functions at the top of the stack that are most important. If we ignore which of those two is dominant, we only have eight types, which makes it easier to explain.

SFJ - Si and Fe - prefers to orient thinking around a lifelong gathering of perceived physical/factual information and make decisions based upon the emotional atmospheres provided by others

SFP - Se and Fi - prefers to orient thinking around currently presented physical/factual information and make decisions based upon the emotional aura/situation one experiences/has experienced

NFJ - Ni and Fe - prefers to orient thinking around it's lifelong gathering of internalized theoretical concepts and make decisions based upon the emotional atmospheres provided by others

NFP - Ne and Fi - prefers to orient thinking around currently presented theoretical concepts and make decisions based upon the emotional aura/situation one experiences/has experienced

STJ - Si and Te - prefers to orient thinking around a lifelong gathering of perceived physical/factual information and make decisions based upon the external systems and patterns currently presented

STP - Se and Ti - prefers to orient thinking around currently presented physical/factual information and make decisions based upon the web of systems and patterns in which it is constantly building

NTJ -  Ni and Te - prefers to orient thinking around it's lifelong gathering of internalized theoretical concepts and make decisions based upon the external systems and patterns currently presented

NTP - Ne and Ti - prefers to orient thinking around currently presented theoretical concepts and make decisions based upon the web of systems and patterns in which it is constantly building

Obviously there's a lot more information about how all of the functions work together and so on, but I just wanted to shoot out a basic template of what this theory is about at it's core.

The Way To Break Yourself

So it is probably pretty obvious from my more recent posts that I have had an emotionally trying time. I've tried explaining it a number of times but usually I am too confused when I think about it, or I get distracted by various details which derail me for multiple pages of a word document. In short though, I used to have some deeply-rooted anxiety issues, probably due to a certain person telling me over and over throughout my life that I wasn't doing enough. 

Over time I decided that the demands on my social life were too much to handle, and around that time this opportunity appeared in which I could escape into a preferred world that existed primarily on the internet. I dove right in without much thought for the consequences. The result was me becoming extra-sensitive, isolated and a little bitter, and eventually that evolved into complete apathy for life in general, except that I freaked out every time I really dwelt upon what I had done to my brain.

This song, therefore, is about losing yourself in your own goals/pleasures/whatever-worldly-things-you-desperately-seek-after to the point where you are numb and no longer even remember how to heal or what it was like to be healthy. For the record, I started feeling normal in the same week that I wrote this song. It's the first time in months I have been truly excited or interested in anything at all.

The Way To Break Yourself 

The way to break yourself 

Is the road to take.

Last year I chose to live my life for my own sake;

I chose to break myself -

Left worries in my wake -

I was done

With the fake;

I was rea-

-dy to break.

The way to break yourself

Is the path to isolation

(We're all sent packing in the face of condemnation).

I chose to break myself

By fencing off creation,

And then lost

Sensation;

And then lost

Elation.

Excitement bubbled 'neath my placid freckled skin.

My joy was holding back for life to begin.

I thought I'd throw away my caution to the wind.

I sold my ignorance for knowledge of the grim.

The way to break yourself

Is the lifestyle of today.

I chose to sacrifice my soul to live my way.

I meant to heal - not break.

I fell from the ladder.

And then I

Was shattered;

And then I

Was scattered.

Don't run too fast - you're going to break yourself.

Don't hide away - you're going to lose yourself.

If you find your life,

You will lose it.

If you hold too tight,

You'll say, "Just screw it."

The way to fix yourself 

Is too hard to see.

By the time you know you're lost you've met the enemy.

Please help me fix myself -

I want to forget.

Erase my fears of all that I now regret.

Lord help me fix myself.

Lord help me fix myself.

Lord help me fix myself.

Lord help me fix myself.

(When I have a recording I really like, I will add it - so far my best one has outdated lyrics)

Qanna: A Jealous God

The jealous God loves, and wants me. He wants me to be well, to succeed, to be happy. Because he loves all of creation, and because he wants me to grow, he might not always let me be happy, but he does want me to be. Through life, he gives me glimpses of good things so that I can come to understand him a little, like a good father, intelligence, a husband, a mother, a home. With this, I can  obtain a kind of relationship with him. Furthermore, with these things that he made to help us understand, upon my requesting it and desiring to put him above all else, he has endowed me with his spirit. Because he loves me and wants me, with this spirit, he strengthens me, and he helps me. He delights in the truth and wants me to speak it. He despises lies that mask his glory, but tolerates them for our sake. We are broken. We cannot see him fully because we are used to the darkness and he is the sun. I see him now in little pieces. Eventually, I will see him fully, face-to-face, and then I will really know him - I will really know the truth. That is what I want, and that is what I will get.

If another should ever want him in that way, then that is exactly what they will get. God embraces me, holds on to me and as long as I don't want him to let go, he won't. I am soundly tucked in his arms, no matter what might try to pry me out of them. I would sacrifice my most prized possession for him, like he did for me. That is my God. He is strong, and fearless, and true, and right, and patient and jealous because he loves his people. He does not act out, and he has mercy, because he knows we are slaves to our own wills and diseased with habits that eat away at our souls. But he hates those habits because they harm us and pull us away from his life-giving love. Yet for his people, who he helps to come closer, we rejoice in suffering, because it produces endurance, which produces character, which produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that he gave us.

Christ died while we were still weak and broken, yearning for idols, and I was still weak and broken when I met him too. But the fact that he died not for perfect people, but for broken ones just shows how much he honestly cares and loves. We could barely comprehend him, and to behold him frightened us, but with that one act of sacrificial love, he was able to pour himself out and dwell among us, inside of us, so that we can become purified, and when this flesh dies, my soul will be wrapped up inside of his and will not die with my body, nor loosed into the wild to be claimed by other beastly spirits, but will be taken to a place of peace with him. And that love he displayed is what I want to know. That is the epitome of truth. I want to love so much that I would sacrifice anything for it, because love looses all chains. The more I exist in love, the more my priorities clear up, the more purpose I exist in, the more good I can do for the world, the more open to the truth I become, the more gracious I can be, the more hope-giving I can be, the more fearless I can be, and the more enriching I can be.

The truth will one day be revealed and so the seeking of it irrelevant. The future will pass and so the pursuing of it is worthless. The world was made to rot and renew and so beauty is a vain pursuit. Worldly rewards are a figment of the imagination. And so, what others want out of life is their business, but this love is what I want out of life, and the only way I can obtain it is through the God who is jealous for my soul, that he made, and longs to complete in him. That is the good of a jealous God, and that is why I long to continue to pursue him with every fiber of my being.

About Me - My Vanity Post

I have kind of a strange life, I think, so I just feel like explaining my own musings about it in as simple terms as I can. So right here, I'll give you the basic rundown:

I am a Christian INTP, HSP-HSS, Ravenclaw. I also think I'm air, element-wise, but I'll discuss all that in more detail below:

Christian: Before anything else, I am a Christian. This is important to know, because Christian theology says that we are made new and whole in the sight of God when we accept the Holy Spirit in our hearts and truly give everything so he can change us. That sounds like a lot of spiritual garble if you're not a Christian and I understand if it sounds corny, because it's honestly stuff that gets said too often. Sorry to perpetuate it. But it's true. I'm not the same person when I so much as drift from God. The Holy Spirit does a lot of stuff, but it seems like the first and foremost thing it does is change my perspective, and with my perspective changed, the rest of who I am is a little different from the norm.

INTP: This pretty much means I like solving puzzles. Personally, I like to direct my puzzle solving into stories. I take what if scenarios and put them together in the coolest way that I can think of. I like to think abstract, don't share my true self very quickly, but try to be friendly when I'm not too busy being selfish. I am rather philosophical, and I like to create atmospheres for myself to dwell in. I can appear easily distracted, but actually I get hyperfocused on things and often haven't changed subjects with you, or might never have been on the same topic in the first place, because I'm in my head solving puzzles. Sorry about that.

HSP: I am extremely sensitive to my environment. People's moods, lighting and background noise all affect me very strongly. I am easily moved and cry a lot when my INTP self doesn't want me to. I shut down quickly when there is a lot going on, and it can get hard for me to focus, but put me by myself and I'll start to wake up again. If I think much about the struggles another person is going through, I start to feel how I imagine I'd feel in that scenario, or maybe it's how they'd feel, I don't know. But I really can change emotions that quickly. I can usually cry at will because of this. I abhor loud or bright places because I cannot function at highest potential, which is something my INTP side also hates. INTP and HSP don't mix very well.

HSS: HSS is weird with INTP and HSP as well. It means I seek sensation. And I do. I get sick of all the crazy environments, but I love trying new foods, and admit that I like getting colds because it's an excuse to get high off cold medicine (I promise I have the self control not to do it recreationally). I really enjoy engaging in things that move my emotions, as opposed to avoiding them like most INTPs. I like things that make me hurt for someone else, unlike most HSPs who apparently avoid violence and stuff. I understand that I guess, and there are certain things I can't look at (entrails). I also can't kill a bug still because I hear the crunch and stuff, and a tiiny part of me feels bad, but mostly it's just extremely gross to me, more gross even than when it's alive, but I will kill them to get them out of the house. Anyway, back to HSS. I also really like going to new places and driving fast if I feel like I'm not going to kill myself in the process. I love love love roller coasters because I get to move fast. I tend to cater more to my HSP, but both HSP and HSS combined plus God are what give me the inspiration to love my stories as more than just puzzles.

Ravenclaw: For you Harry Potter fans, I am eccentric and weird. I fit nicely into genius Ravenclaw, but I promise everyone will wonder why I'm not a Gryffindor or a Hufflepuff the whole time I am there. This is because on the surface I get all politically or religiously passionate, and that is real passion, so it seems like I'm all, "Stand up and do the right thing!" which I kind of am, and I'm also friendly on the outside... until you get to know me. I do care about doing the right thing and I do try to be friendly, but what comes naturally to me is simply puzzle solving, and I like trying to explain complex concepts to people, and I find abstract methods to explain abstract concepts, though I've finally settled just on writing. I would fail classes because I am more focused on different priorities is all. I honestly fit into Slytherin a little better than Hufflepuff because the niceness, while genuine, isn't natural to me. God is the only thing that makes me care about stuff. If it weren't for him I would be dead inside, and I'd have more ambition than true passion.

Air: According to the Avatar: The Last Airbender universe, pretty sure I'd be an Airbender. But I lean water at least. The one I'm sure I'm not is earth, so it stands to reason that I'd be it's opposite. I think air fits me quite nicely. I love my freedom, and kinda just float around. I can get intense, but mostly I'm just eccentric.

I was going to put political stuff, but that is more a result of who I am than an explanation of it. So that's it. Everything I can think of. :)